October 20, 2004

Here I sit pondering the life that is before me. It has been sixteen months, two days and twenty-one hours since my husband "d__d." I still have trouble using that "d" word. I find it easier to say, "He’s with the Lord," or "He’s in heaven." There just seems to be finality in the word "died" that I still have trouble facing.

My life has done a complete 180-degree turn since that day in June 17, 2003. I was in the medical field when I met my husband in 1968, and now I have returned. How did I wind up here? What direction does this have to do with the ministry as Pastor’s wife that I had trained for all those years? For thirty-six years, all my focus had been on learning how to be my husband’s helpmeet: at home and at the church. What am I to do now with all that training?

He was only 56 years old…too young to die; too young to leave me here alone; and too young to not complete and accomplish all the things he had the vision and plans to do.

But…God had other plans; plans that we know nothing about; plans that we cannot comprehend; and plans that would frighten us if we knew they were in the making. His plans are not our plans. I want to raise my fist to God and tell Him that He made a mistake; that this needs to be fixed; this is not right. but…

God does not make mistakes. We make mistakes when we do not accept His plan for our lives. The word accept means: to receive with consent; to give admittance or approval. Did you catch that? Consent/approval? We have to come to the agreement that God is correct in His decisions.

I think of the times when I was teaching in our Christian school and those students who accepted the rules and regulations of the classroom would thrive and be steps ahead of those that hid rebellion in their heart. "Rebellion is as the sin of witchcraft and stubbornness is as iniquity and idolatry…" I Sam. 15:23a. Are you rebelling against the direction that God has given you? Are you arguing with God over the path where He has placed you? Do you resent the plan that He has for your life?

God’s plan for your life will not be the same as for my life. The troubles you are going through are not like mine, but we serve the same God and He loves us just the same. He knows what you need, as He knows what I need. What you are doing with the plan He gave you?

Many of us get so wrapped up in circumstances that we have the inability to see through them.

I have found that through my suffering, I must take my eyes off of myself and put them on others. Their pain is just as real to them as mine is to me. The circumstances might be different, but Christ does not want us to languish in our misery. He wants us to use our misery to minister to others. As a result of our pain, we now have a different type of ministry. Who else will be able to comfort the widow? Who else will be able to comfort those that have lost a loved one? Who else will be understanding to those that have lost a ministry? Who else will consider all the fears one has that has been diagnosed with cancer? Who else will minister to the one with a wayward child? Only those that have walked that pathway can understand.

Many of us get so wrapped up in circumstances that we have the inability to see through them. Circumstances should not change who you are and what you are to be…they should enhance you to reflect the character of Christ. God gives you the grace to go through the circumstances if you will turn to Him.

II Cor. 12:9-10, "And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me... Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ’s sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong."

After my husband’s d___h (there’s that word again), I instantly realized that my life was going to be taking a new path, a path of uncharted direction. Fear gripped my soul, as though my life was being strangled out of me. What would happen to me? What would I do? Will I have to change churches? Will I have to move from my home? How will I live? How would I ever pay off this enormous debt?

God blessed our church with a man who had been my husband’s associate for a number of years that stepped to the front and directed our church. Bro. Sam Whiteside was sent by God to minister to me. He was constantly at my door, calling me on the phone, or drawing me aside at church to check on me and see if I had any needs. He and his wife were there to put the sweet salve of friendship and bind the wounds that I had. It meant so much to have a friend, be a friend. Are you that type of friend? I knew he was hurting as well as we wept, laughed, and prayed together.

The first year after my husband’s d___h, I was able to teach and run our Christian school. This is something I was familiar with, as I had been doing this for several years. At least that didn’t change. I was still able to attend services, teach my class and lead the ladies group until the new pastor and his wife were called. This gave me something to hang on to that was familiar.

During this same time, God sent a "Deborah" into my life. She had been in our church for a number of years, and during that time God had directed her to a counseling ministry. My husband encouraged her to go to school and helped her along the way. I thank God for His direction and leading, as she has been my "Deborah" to guide me in the battle. Judges 5:6 & 7, 14. There were so many times that I called on her. I would just call and tell her to give me the "spiel" and she would remind me that God had not forgotten me, that I was not alone, He was there with me all the way, He had a special plan for my life. Deborah wasn’t a warrior, but an encourager. The definition for encouragement: "to give courage, spirit, or hope." Deborah’s encouragement was contagious. Have you been a “Deborah” for someone in the battle?

There were people who were sympathetic, but they were not compassionate. Compassion involves action to alleviate the distress, whereas mere sympathy may remain detached and aloof. Do you feel sad when you hear of the needs of others, but stay within the safety and security of our own life. Choosing to not take any action, for fear of saying the wrong thing. When we do this, are we thinking of the one that is hurting or ourselves? What blessings have we missed by not getting involved with one that is in need of compassion? A blessing was there for us, but we shied from the responsibility of meeting a need.

Grief is like a tidal wave that comes in an instant and completely engulfs you. Its fingers can clutch so tightly as it tries to draw you under the current and down into the depths of despair. It’s as if you are walking away from the water and suddenly it has you in its grasp. There is no warning of what will set it in motion. It might be a song, a picture, a comment, a piece of clothing, or a mannerism. The fight against the current seems futile; it would be so much easier just to give up and fall down into its depths, wallowing in self-pity and self-absorption. This is not why the Lord has brought this into your life. You have a course of direction that you must follow. He has a purpose for your life. We must gather all the strength we have to pull ourselves from the depths of despair and seek the path He wants us to travel.

by Sheila Pendergraft

Yes, I still struggle to reach the surface, but I know when I get there the light will reveal His plan for my life. Why did He decide to take my husband, my soul mate, my preacher, and my friend so suddenly and at 56, I don’t know, but I know He knows and He makes no mistakes. He is directing the path that I must trod and I praise Him for being in control.